Rohan, a busy marketing manager in Chennai, started each day feeling a bit off. The crow’s feet etching around his eyes weren’t just age lines; they were a map of unfulfilled dreams. His childhood passion for Bharatanatyam dance thrummed beneath the surface,, but the local classes were filled with young, energetic people. The fear of being judged made him feel like an old toy in a world of shiny new ones.
A city steeped in history and diverse cultures, buzzed around him. Yet, Rohan navigated it with a self-imposed segregation. His identity, firmly rooted in his conservative heritage, blinded him to the richness of traditions practiced by his neighbours. A misplaced sense of superiority veiled the beauty of the city’s diversity, fuelling a reluctance to explore or appreciate the vibrant mix.
Success, measured in promotions and a fat bank account, was his relentless pursuit. Long hours at the office bled into neglected family dinners and the quiet ache of a silenced flute gathering dust in the corner. The emptiness that gnawed at him was a stark contrast to the overflowing trophy cabinet in his gleaming apartment. Financially secure, at least by most standards, Rohan couldn’t shake the feeling of falling behind. The pressure to earn more, to live a life he perceived as successful through the lens of others, fuelled his relentless pursuit, leaving him perpetually dissatisfied.
Raised in a conservative household, the weight of expectations and rituals pressed down heavily. He questioned certain orthodox beliefs, yearning for a more personal spiritual connection. But the fear of societal disapproval, of being ostracized by his close-knit community, kept him trapped in a cycle of conformity.
Back home, a picture of domestic normalcy masked a deeper disconnect. Meera, his wife, saw the shadows in his eyes, the unspoken words that choked him. Yet, Rohan remained encased in his self-made prison. Then, one evening, their son, Ashok, announced his dream of pursuing a career in Bharatanatyam dance, a traditionally feminine art form. A tremor of disapproval shook Rohan, a reflection of his own ingrained beliefs. “Bharatanatyam? That’s not for boys,” he blurted out, the words echoing the disapproval he himself had faced.
But as the weight of his own words settled, a realization dawned. Was he turning into the very person he once resented? Was his tightly held identity, the one he thought provided security, slowly becoming a cage, suffocating his spirit and those around him?
The gilded cage of identity
Someone clinging to a narrow ideology on something like religion, gender, sexuality etc might be unwilling to consider new ideas, fearing any challenge to their established beliefs can shake the foundation of their identity. This fear can morph into anger towards those who hold different viewpoints, creating a climate of intolerance.
A person prioritizing financial success above all else might miss out on creative pursuits or volunteer work, neglecting personal fulfilment out of fear of falling behind or social disapproval. The constant pressure to maintain a certain lifestyle can breed anxiety and anger, directed both inwards for not achieving enough and outwards towards those seemingly carrying similar beliefs.
Holding onto familiar aspects of our identity can feel comforting, a source of stability in a swirling world. But this comfort can easily morph into a cage, stifling our sense of freedom, curiosity, and fostering a potent cocktail of fear and anger. Clinging to a rigid definition of who we are or who we “should” be, can quickly become a prison.
Even love, that powerful force for connection, can become a cage when held too rigidly. Parents who believe their way is the only way for their children, out of a misplaced sense of love and protectiveness, can stifle their independence and growth. Similarly, a rigid adherence to tradition within a relationship can leave no room for individual needs and desires, leading to resentment and ultimately, the erosion of love itself.
This possessiveness, fuelled by the fear of losing what we love, can morph into anger and controlling behaviour, ultimately destroying the very thing we seek to protect.
Beyond the Individual: The seeds of conflict
Imagine a young boy raised in a strict household, constantly criticized for not conforming to a narrow definition of success. This environment shapes his identity, fuelling a deep desire for recognition and a sense of superiority. Years later, this boy, now a leader, clings fiercely to a rigid national identity, blaming his nation’s woes on a specific minority group. This obsession with his own group’s perceived superiority fuels prejudice and violence, often rooted in fear of the “other” and anger towards those perceived as a threat to his established identity.
This fictional scenario, though simplified, reflects a chilling reality. When identities become rigid shells, they can morph from sources of comfort into catalysts for conflict. Clinging too tightly to a narrow set of beliefs, pride, purity, or dogma, can create a dangerous “us vs. them” mentality. This fosters a breeding ground for misunderstanding, prejudice, and ultimately, suffering. No one wins ! Conformity does not align with how nature works !
Strict definitions of what an identity “should” be, rigid boundaries enforced by societal expectations, can create a sense of suffocation, fear, and anger. Look around you, and you’ll see countless examples of this happening on a daily basis. Individuals with tightly held identities clash with those who hold different views, leading to social tension and violence.
The story of Rohan leaves us hanging, a deliberate invitation to ponder our own identities. Where does his journey go from here? Will the realization about his son spark a personal reevaluation? Perhaps a conversation with Meera, a hesitant step towards a Bharatanatyam class, or simply a dusting off of the silent flute will be his first move.
This is where your exploration begins. The exercise prompts you to delve into your own narrative, woven from experiences and beliefs. What threads hold the strongest meaning for you? Do they provide comfort and stability, or are they restricting your curiosity and freedom ?
Here’s an exercise to explore your own sense of self:
Mapping identity: Create a mind map with “Me” at the center. Branch out with words or phrases that represent different aspects of your identity (age, profession, hobbies, values, beliefs, etc.).
Questioning assumptions: For each branch, ask yourself: “Is this truly who I want to be, or is this something I’ve been told I should be?”
Beyond the labels: Are there aspects of yourself that don’t fit neatly into any category? Explore.
The shifting landscape: Our identities are not static. Reflect on how your sense of self has changed over time. What experiences have shaped you?
Beyond the comfort zone: Think of one area where you’ve limited yourself due to your identity. What small step could you take to explore beyond your comfort zone?
