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Grief and grieving


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What happens in grief?

Some people cry and some scream, for others the death may take a while to sink in. People tend to lose interest in the things that previously made them happy, and may remain aloof. Others may indulge in work or play, to keep distressing feelings away. Grieving is an individuals way of dealing with the loss of a loved object, friend, family or pet. Grieving techniques are as diverse as the number of people on earth.

  1. To accept the reality of the loss.
  2. To experience the pain of the loss.
  3. To adjust to the environment without the loved one.
  4. To reinvest in the new reality, to live and to love again.

Some people with robust coping skills, breeze through. Whilst, in some others, the process becomes protracted and complicated.

Sometimes the restorative functions of grief are replaced by self-destructive behavior, guilt, low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, violent outbursts, and substance abuse. Sometimes the grieving process is ignored and can resurface at a later, at a less stressful time. Complicated grief occurs in situations wherein losses are sudden or violent, in those with less than optimal coping skills.

Anniversary reactions sometimes occur when the process of grieving is incomplete. Intense emotions resurface during significant memorable days, such as birthdays and anniversaries.

how is it going?

One’s personality and inherent coping styles play an important role in the expression of grief reactions. Those experiencing complicated grief will benefit greatly from professional help from psychologists or psychiatrists.

Kubler Ross describes 5 stages of grief, Denial at first, followed by anger (at god, or others). Once the reality of the loss begins to set in, people often bargain (why him, why not me ?). Once bargaining proves fruitless, depression ensues. Once all these stages are dealt with, a state of acceptance emerges.

Some people go through all these stages, while others skip stages. The time spent by an individual in a particular stage also varies greatly. One person may be depressed for years following a loss, while other people may just brush through it in a few days. Sometimes, people can also go back and forth through the stages, especially in times where loss in imminent (like in advanced cancer). And when one does accept the loss, then begins the true restorative process which includes meticulous reconciliation and the rebuilding of a new world, in absence of a very significant loved one.

As the days roll on, the intensity of emotions die down and the sense of incessant yearning is slowly replaced by treasured memories. A new world is then formulated, wherein the lost object though physically void assumes omnipresence.

Click here more to learn about effective ways to help one deal with grief.

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