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Parenting 101.


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Parenting is an active process that facilitates the emotional, social and intellectual development of a child. Bringing up a child can be challenging at times. Parenting can sometimes seem like a daunting task, especially when things do not go your way. This article will help you understand your parental role better.

There are three key concepts that all parents should be familiar with. When combined, these concepts can help you engage your child better.

  • Critical periods.
  • Attachment
  • Parenting styles

Critical periods.

A critical period is a time frame when a child is sensitive to both positive and negative external influences. The child’s brain is most sensitive to adversities( exposure to toxins, neglect, abuse etc) during the first few years of life. Adversities in early childhood can sometimes lead to a lifelong increase in the risk of developing mental illness. The second critical period is adolescence when several transitions in life take place and one’s self-esteem begins to take shape.


The stress that children undergo during these critical periods can be


1) Positive – Wherein children are exposed to brief periods of apparent stress while being comforted by a consistently caring, responsible adult. eg – First day of school or the visit to a doctor. Positive stress is growth-promoting.


2)Tolerable – Exposure to great adversity buffered by a consistently caring and responsible adult. eg Serious illness, injury or parental separation. The chances of long term consequences are reduced when stress is tolerable.


2)Toxic – Frequent and overwhelming stress in the absence of a consistently caring adult. This disrupts the normal development of the brain eg – Abuse and neglect.

It is your job as a parent to make sure most periods of stress are positive, or tolerable. It is your responsibility to help your child deal with stress in a formative manner. A consistently caring adult is one who can comfort the child during periods of stress. Not someone who can point out what is wrong and give righteous advice.

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Attachment

We are all born with the innate need to form attachments and this helps us survive the world. The process of attachment begins at birth and is sometimes complete by 2 years of age. The attachments that your children form with you, will serve as their blueprint to the world. A child who is unable to form secure attachments is prone to develop mental illness and behavioral problems in later life.

The strength of attachment is determined by 2 factors
1)How sensitive the parents are to the needs of the child.
2)How much the child is held and comforted in the first few months after birth.

It is your job as a parent to make sure you do your absolute best to form secure attachments with your child. This again means that you need to be a consistent, caring adult. If you have attachment problems of your own, you may pass it on to your child. Please make a conscious effort to overcome your problems, so that you can be there for your child. Take help if need be.

Parenting styles


There are four types of parents. These styles may overlap, or one particular style may dominate your relationship with your child.

Authoritative parents – Who have fair expectations from their children, provide adequate warmth and care and are able to communicate with their children rather than command them. Rules are explained and discussed and not merely enforced. Authoritative parenting styles lead to children who are –

  • Assertive and confident.
  • Independent.
  • Happy and content.
  • Exhibit lesser metal illness.

Eg. Tony is expected to do his homework every day. When Tony does not feel like doing his homework one day, his dad explores Tony’s feelings, comforts him and is able to coax him into getting his work done. He also praises Tony when the homework is done.

Authoritarian parents – Try to take control of their children and have huge expectations for them. These parents do not display adequate nurturance and often command rather than communicate. Rules are enforced without explanations. Children of authoritarian parents are –

  • Insecure
  • Less independent
  • Low in self-esteem
  • Have poor social skills
  • More prone to mental illness

Eg Raja is expected to do his homework every day. It does not matter if Raja does not feel like doing it, Raja’s dad will spank him and make sure the work is done.

Indulgent parenting – They have very low demands and expectations from their children. They are highly nurturing, permissible and lenient. Rules are often broken and/or bent. Communication is biased toward keeping the child comfortable. Criticism is low. Children of indulgent parents

  • Cannot cope with the stressors of the external world
  • Tend to be self centered
  • Have problems with relationships and social interactions
  • Cannot follow rules

Eg Rani does not have any rules to follow, her parents shower her with gifts and praise irrespective of what she does. They will cover for her every time she fails her responsibilities.

Neglectful parenting – Uninvolved parenting wherein there are no expectations, no nurturance and no communication.
Children of neglectful parents –

  • Are more impulsive.
  • Cannot self-regulate emotion.
  • Encounter more delinquency and addictions problems.
  • Have more mental issues — e.g. suicidal behavior in adolescents.

Eg Kavin’s needs are rarely met. Sometimes he has to go hungry. He has no feedback in terms of his achievements or failures. He is left to fend with battles on his own.

It is important as a parent to be authoritative and not authoritarian. It is crucial not be indulgent or neglectful.

There will definitely be times where you want to lash out on your children. There may be times when your children make you want to pull your hair out. We understand that you have challenges and struggles of your own. You need to address these as well.

It is your job as a parent to do what is required to take care of yourself.

To summarize, please be consistently caring to your children. Give it your best to form a solid attachment with your child. Help them deal with failure rather than protecting them from failure. Communicate effectively and be a authoritative parent. If you are going through trouble yourself, please take care of yourself and if need be, SEEK HELP !

taking care
taking care